Edward Gets a Job
by SilyBeautifulOversensitiveGirl
Summary: This was originally part of Really Random Twilight, but it was longer than I thought, so now it's it's own story! Yay! Anyway, the Cullen's get jobs..it will definetly be interesting. LAST CHAPTER EDWARD! Prepare for random greatness!
1. The Wrath Of Carlisle

A/N This was inspired by my Easter dinner. Carlisle is very sarcastic in this story, so prepare yourselves.

Edward Get's A Job

CarlislePov

I trudged up the steps after a long hard day at the hospital. As I opened the door a blurring white figure flew past me. I tiredly walked up the stairs as two more blurs whizzed past, barely missing, I might add.

"Boys, no super vampire speed running in the house!" I yelled out "Or you'll break something and send Esme off into one of her tantrums, I swear, that woman looks sooo innocent…." I muttered to myself.

To bad for me, I forgot vampires had super hearing.

"CARLISLE CULLEN! I heard that!" Esme yelled.

"Umm, sorry dear, long day!" I called back, hoping I redeemed myself a smidgen.

All I wanted to do was work on my favorite thing in the world, my mini topiary kit! There was just something about trimming bushes and plants into magical shapes with teeny little hedge clippers that makes a man feel complete! It was my little secret, with Edward knowing as an exception. As I got in my office I saw a huge pile of papers. Sigh, just my luck. I sat down and shuffled through them. Credit card bills from Alice, a detention write up for Emmet, a list of chores from my darling Esme, and of course all my hospital papers I had to fill out, most of them were from Bella. That girl really gets on my nerves sometimes, I mean why can't she just freakin walk!? I started to fill them out when I heard a loud CRASH!

"CARLISLE!! Come down here and straighten out your sons!!" Esme called in that sweet angelic voice of hers.

I got up and walked down the stairs where Edward, Emmet and Jasper were sitting guiltily on the couch and a fuming Esme was holding a shattered a vase we had had since the 40's. This was one of those rare days that Edward wasn't glued to Bella's side. She was spending "quality" time with Charlie. He hated Edward so this was probably just to get him away from her, and hey, Edward was a jerk, what can I say? I got an angry glare from Edward for that comment. Darn vampires and their special abilities.

"It was soooo NOT me Carlisle!" Emmet declared in his overly loud voice.

"Yeah right Emmet! I SAW you!" Jasper shot back

"Na-uh!" was Emmet's genius reply.

I sighed "Edward, who was it?"

"Jasper" was his quick reply. Ugh, redheads, they can sure hold a grudge! I got another glare for that one. STOP READING MY MIND THEN!! I mentally shouted.

Jasper stood up in horror.

"He is just saying that because he likes Emmet better!" Jasper whined as annoyance and two year old like tantrum feelings filled the house.

"Whatevs, guys, you're all grounded from...uhh…...fast running in the house for….eternity!" I said looking at Esme for approval.

"Wow, Carlisle, that's a good one!" My beloved Esme said sarcastically

"FINE, you deal with it!" and I stomped upstairs. Only to be stopped by a prancing Alice and a brooding Rosalie.

"Hiya, Carlisle!" Alice said in her annoyingly peppy voice.

"Hi Alice!!" I said back in a peppy sarcastic voice to rival her own.

"Can I borrow some money, please??" she asked with a big smile

"Alice, you just spent 600 dollars yesterday! What could you possibly want— you know what I don't care! Here's your money!" I said throwing a few hundreds at her.

"Umm, Could we have a bit more?"

At this point all I wanted to do was work on my little magic fairy girl I was trimming the last time I had a break, which was two months ago! I just threw my wallet at her and slammed the door to my office. FINALLY, I pressed the combination into the secret safe/mini greenhouse I kept behind the picture of Aro, Marcus, Caius and I. I pulled out my half trimmed fairy maiden and shoved all the papers off my desk, delicately putting her down. Just as I had gotten on my gloves and the special magnifying glass headpiece, so I could get the most accurate trim of course, I hear a knock on the door.

"Carlisle, it's Edward, could we talk?" Edward said pushing the door open and then quickly shutting it behind him.

Ok, this was it, this was the last straw! I was sick of my immature children, and nagging wife! All I wanted to do was trim my freakin fairy bush and add some freakin magical elves dancing around her!! Is that too much to ask?? IS IT!?I guess Edward figured out what I was thinking because he edged towards the door.

"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! You stay right where you are!" I yelled

"I'm sick of all of you! Emmet and his childish pranks, he's over 100 for god's sake! When are you going to grow up HUH Emmet?" I knew the whole family was outside listening.

"And Alice, come on! Show some responsibility! I'm not going to pay for every single thing she "just HAS to have"!! How much stuff do you own?? Jasper, I'm sick of him always acting all moody and misunderstood! I mean, wahh, Jasper, you're sensitive, we get it! Move on!! Rosalie, you're ugly. And Edward, stop coming to me with all your endless problems!! You're the one that wanted to date a stupid human!!" Edward looked too scared to react to that comment. I continued mimicking Edwards whiny voice." I thirst for her blood, she's so breakable, I can't even kiss her, she's in love with my mortal enemy, Oh and Carlisle, Bella broke something AGAIN! Well, you know what Edward!? SHE'S HUMAN WHAT DO YOU EXPECT??"

I took a deep breathe after that. The house was utterly silent. I cleared my throat.

"I think you need to learn some responsibility! When I was your age, we didn't just go gallivanting around. We had jobs, Edward! Where you make your OWN, money and you learn discipline!"

"Carlisle, you were our age hundreds of years ago, and I think I'm pretty disciplined" Edward said smugly.

"Oh, sure you can resist Bella's blood. Whoopee! What do you think I do in the hospital all day Edward?" I replied

I took a deep breath.

"I think you all need…..to get jobs!"

An ear splitting scream came from outside the door. Alice, I assumed. That noise was followed by Rosalie whining and complaining as well as Emmet asking what he had done, and Jasper emitting waves of frustration.

"Now go!" I said to a shocked Edward.

He left, mouth still hanging open, and shut the door.

Hmm, maybe I had been a little harsh. I thought. Nahh…..Now Fairy time, fairy time!!

I picked up my mini hedge trimmers and let myself sink into the magical land of topiary.

A/N This turned out longer than I thought so there's going to be another chapter!

The topiary obsession is for you Caroline!


	2. The Choosing

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight characters, plots, etc, etc.

A/N I actually don't have anything to say...that's weird, here's something: look at profile for Carlisle's fairy! I'm totally winging this chapter soooo, good luck to me!

And Caroline, please get your creativity back, I need your weird obsessions to inspire!

Picking Jobs (Alice Style)

Third person Pov:

"Wow, Edward, you're such an amazing mind reader! Couldn't you sense Carlisle was in a bad mood! Even I could sense that!" Rosalie said in that angry way of hers.

"Hey! This was _not_ my fault! What about the psychic! Hmm, Alice! Good job seeing that one coming!" Edward shot back. Being away from Bella made him incredibly annoying and angsty.

"Come on, Edward! You know how Carlisle's mind works! He just totally decided that in one second!" Alice said between dramatic dry sobs.

Suddenly Alice started smiling and jumping up and down.

"Wait guys! This could totally be REALLY fun!" Alice chirped. Her face suddenly went slack and she fell over with a thud.

"Great! NOW she get's a vision!" Emmett grumbled. They all sat in awkward silence waiting.

Alice suddenly popped back up.

"Alice…." Edward warned. Too late.

"OME! I just had the best vision EVER!!" Alice screamed

(Vampire family moves back in unison.)

"Let's make it a game! K, listen, we'll put names in a hat and whatever name you pick you pick a job for that person!!" Alice squealed.

The Cullen's looked around anxiously, this would NOT end well.

"Umm Alice honey, I'm not sure that's the best—"

Jasper was cut off by Alice's big wide I-didn't-have-a-childhood eyes.

"Oh! Come on, I will not fall for those ag—" Jasper was cut off yet again and waves of passiveness and aww-isn't-she-cute feelings filled the room.

"Anything you say, dear." Was Jaspers submissive reply.

"Hey, I love games! I hope I get Edward, oh or Jasper!!" Emmett laughed evilly

Jasper shivered and Edward cringed at the mental images.

"Wait, Alice, everything ended okay in your vision right?" Edward asked anxiously "You keep blocking it from my thoughts!"

"Oh, silly Edward, of course it does!" She said while she went back to singing I'm A Barbie Girl, in her head.

"Umm, I guess I'm being forced into this." Edward said glumly.

"Rosalie??" Alice inquired.

"Whatever." was her ingenious reply.

"And Rosalie, will you PLEASE stop thinking about if Carlisle really thinks your ugly! I prefer your _I'm the most perfect thing since sliced bread _thoughts compared to these!" Edward blurted out.

"How about these Edward!" She retorted.

Edward shuddered at whatever she had been thinking.

"Oh god! Please, NO!!" Edward cried.

During that 28 point 2second fight, Alice had grabbed a big yellow sunhat and wrote the names of the Cullen kids on little purple sticky notes.

"Well, if you guys are done now, we can begin, thank you" Alice said tapping her foot impatiently.

The Cullens cautiously lined up and pulled a purple sticky note from Alice's hat.

"Alrighty, who do we have!?" Alice asked bouncing with excitement.

"Emmett" Jasper said grinning widely.

"Bring it on, bro" Was Emmett's reply.

"Edward!" Emmett said joyously.

"Edward moaned.

"Why, God Why!!" Edward said." And at least don't block me with singing My Hips Don't Lie, Emmett it's disturbing!

"And just keep in mind...I have your wife." Edward said as Rosalie groaned.

"Alice" said Rosalie

"And I have my Jasper!" said Alice. Jasper went slightly paler after that.

"Alright we all have our people! Now go pick a job, and no using your abilities to cheat!" declared Alice before skipping out to her Porsche. God only knew where she was going.

"Emmett, just make sure my job is something Bella can do with me. Okay?" Edward asked nervously.

"Oh, don't worry Edward, this is something perfect for you and Bella! MWAHAHA!!"

Emmett then ran upstairs.

"This could only happen to me….." Edward sighed as he went back to counting the hours till he could see Bella. He started thinking of something super bad for Rosalie, because he knew that everyone else was doing the same for their person. Oh, this was WAR!

A/N Wow, that wasn't half bad!

Tune in next time to see what the Cullen's will pick for each other!!

And what Evil Emmet has in store for poor Edward! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Let's just say the rating WILL change…….


	3. The Beginning Of The End

A/N I'm BACKKKKKKKKKK!! Which isn't saying much since I updated yesterday. Uhh, anyway, I just felt like writing that OK!! Can I ever start a FF with out an authors note? You ask. The answer is No, no I can't.

The Beginning of the End! MWAHAHAHA

Third Person Pov:

It was the day after Carlisle's little outburst and all the Cullens and Bella (of course) were gathered in the living room. Today would start their first day of work. They were all a little anxious. By anxious I mean, Edward was trying to stay calm but every so often he would start talking to himself, Alice was literally vibrating with excitement, Emmett was bouncing up and down, while Jasper would constantly jump at every little noise, and Rosalie was just glaring at Edward. Edward had explained to Bella what was going on that night at her house. She got super depressed and asked how long this was going to last.

"Knowing Carlisle, he just doesn't care anymore, but we can't say no to Alice now, TRUST me, we _can't. _We'll probably only work for a week, at the most!" Edward said reassuringly.

He also told her to prepare for something incredibly strange/disturbing/embarrassing/Emmett like job from Emmett. So now that they were all prepared for what was to come it was time to start.

"Ok peoples!" Alice chirped. "On the count of three tell the person what there job is and then they must leave immediately, or whenever it starts and do the best they can , or ELSE!" Alice suddenly looked extremely evil and all the Cullen's shuddered.

"Never say no to Alice, Never say no to Alice…." Edward started murmuring out loud. "ALIENNNS!!" he cried before resuming the silence.

"Anyway" Alice said curtly. "Ready…...1, 2 annnnnnnnnndddddddd 3!!" she cried.

And it began.

**A/N I know it's short but I just didn't want to jump right into the jobs yet. I'm still writing about our first little victim, which is Jasper!**


	4. Jasper

A/N So basically, I'm writing one vampire at a time and their point of view during the day. Did that make sense? To all the people that are in this story, I'm not _exactly _making fun of you, just exaggerating certain qualities! Ok, good, that's over with! Except for Casey it's all true for her……JK!!

Jasper

Jasper's Pov:

"Alice….I thought you loved me!" I cried after everyone had said the jobs they were giving out.

Alice looked confused. "I do Jasper. That's why I gave you an easy job!"

She could be so dumb sometimes.

"Alice, Therapist? A therapist. That means I have to be around people with extremely messed up emotions! Do you know what that's going to do to me?? _I'm _going to need serious therapy after this!" I tried to say calmly but failed terribly.

"Well, you're best at knowing how people feel and you always make things better!" She cried sweetly.

Sigh, she could be so sweet to.

She suddenly got very serious.

"Now leave, you're not following the rules."

I shuddered at the tone in her voice. You never say no to Alice. I walked out to the garage and hopped on my moped. I strapped on my helmet and beeped my squeaky horn at Emmett as he almost ran me over backing out, purposely I suppose. I didn't exactly give him the best job in the world. I laughed to myself knowing that everyone was going to have a terrible day just like me. As I sped through the streets on my snazzy green moped (I have actually come to like it.) I had a revelation. Maybe today wouldn't be bad at all.. Maybe I would help so many people with all their problems and everyone would love me and I would solve world hunger, save the rainforests and the whales and create world peace! Yeah, I could see it now: Jasper Hale, Best Therapist in the Universe ……… I continued these incredibly realistic delusions till I pulled up to the facility. The sign read Forks Mental Institute. Now, you would think such a small town wouldn't have its own looney bin, but it did. That just tells you about the people in this town. It was actually very popular, people from all over Washington came. I walked inside and went to the front desk. There sat a woman in her thirties with flaming red hair, horn rimmed glasses and was reading what looked like a self help book.

"Hello Ma'am, my name is Jasper Hale. I'm the new therapist here." I said nervously.

The woman looked up and her mouth fell open making the gum she was smacking fall out. Feelings of lust rolled of her. That's about when I realized this _probably_ wasn't going to be a good day.

"Why hello, doctor" She purred in an incredibly unpleasant way. "I'll show you to your office."

She got up and walked me to a small room with a desk and one of those couch things.

"Kelsey, the secretary, is right outside, she'll tell you when your first patient will arrive." The creepy woman walked away shaking her butt very disturbingly. I shuddered, put my moped helmet on the desk and went out to meet Kelsey. She was sitting at the desk her face buried in a Japanese manga book.

"Hello, Kelsey, I'm Jasper Hale." I said

Kelsey looked up with the biggest blue eyes I've EVER seen. She had that deer-trapped-in-headlights look. It was incredibly adorable and innocent but at the same time pretty darn creepy.

"Hello" she said in a really happy voice. She immediately resumed reading. Well, ok then. I thought. I walked back to the office. About 4 minutes later Kelsey walked in.

"Your first patient is here!" she said in that incredibly cheery high pitched voice of hers. "Her name is Casey, she's a regular!"

"Thanks Kelsey, send her in." This was it, the moment of truth. My chance to prove myself as the world's best therapist! A girl, Casey I assumed walked in. She was wearing purple zebra striped leggings, and had an awesome denim jacket. (Hey, I hang out with Alice too much!) There were intricate designs running up and down her arms in sharpie.

"Hello, Casey. I'm Dr. Hale."

The girl looked up at me and immediately screamed "VAMPIRE!!"

Yeah, this wasn't going to be a good day.

I tried to stay calm and not overreact. She was probably just delusional.

"Excuse me?" I asked calmly.

"You're a vampire!!" She squealed jumping up and down on the therapy couch. I could feel her excitement. Ok, this was REALLY bad. Either she was incredibly psychotic and didn't know what she was talking about or incredibly psychotic for not running away in fear. I decided to use logic.

"Now, Casey, if I was a vampire I wouldn't be able to be around garlic or crucifixes." I pulled out my handy garlic crucifix I carried in my pocket for these occasions. Maybe carrying that around was a little suspicious….Nah.

Casey just laughed.

"Silly, that doesn't kill vampires! Chopping them up into little pieces and setting them on fire does!" She stated simply.

I just stared back in horror. How did she know so much? Do all humans know this!? Great, in one day I got my whole entire family discovered.

"Uhh….Umm..." I stuttered "That's ridiculous!"

Casey tilted her head sideways "Can you sparkle for me!?" she asked casually.

Oh God, oh God! What was I going to do!? I would have to kill her. It was the only option. I guess I started banging my head on the desk with out realizing it because she got up and patted my shoulder.

"Don't worry! Your secrets safe with me!" She leaned in and whispered. "I'm secretly a changeling faery from the Unseelie Court!"

At that moment Kelsey walked in and said: "Oh, I forgot to tell you, she's certifiably insane, so whatever she says isn't true!" Kelsey skipped away.

The room was silent for a second before Casey ran to the door screaming: "I AM NOT CRAZY I TELL YOU!! Faery land, faery land, you promised we'd go to faery land" she repeated while rocking herself back and forth on the floor.

Phew! I let out a sigh of relief, even if she was right about me, everyone else thought she was crazy! Now back to being a therapist.

"Now Casey, how does this make you feel?" I asked in a calm therapist way.

Feelings of extreme hatred came towards me.

"REALLY mad! I KNOW you're a vampire and I'm a faery and I know the Lock Ness monster's real name is PHIL!" She screamed at the end.

Okaaaayyy" I said slowly.

I looked at the clock and shockingly (not that I wasn't relieved) our time was over.

"Well Casey, it was umm interesting to get to know you! I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow." I said.

"Ok" She said hopping up off the floor. "See ya later …."

She turned and looked at me, her hand on the door handle.

"What's your name again?" She said slowly. Her feelings got very tense. That should have been my clue to lie. I've never been very good with clues.

"Jasper Hale." I stated.

Casey turned around, stared at me and then started screaming at the tops of her lungs. I first I thought with fear but extreme joy was hitting me like a tsunami. She ran at me faster than I thought was humanly possible.

"EDWARD!! YOU KNOW EDWARD CULLEN!! I WANT HIM!! ! GIVE HIM TO ME GIVE HIM TO ME!! She screamed which temporarily deafened me with my sensitive hearing. Casey was on my back stabbing me with her sharpie. I hit the emergency button under the desk and a bunch of men in lab coats pulled her off and stabbed her with a sedative. Casey fell to the ground muttering "Edward is mine, mine, mine, faery land, faery land!" The men in white coats took her away. I just sat at the desk for a minute. That was probably one of the worst, scariest, strangest experiences in my life. And wait a minute! How come everyone always wanted Edward, huh!? I was just as hot, you know! And I was sensitive!! I sat at my desk scowling when I really should have been plotting my escape. Kelsey walked in casually, like some psycho girl hadn't just been in here threatening me with a sharpie.

"Your next patient will be here in five minutes." she said.

I did a double take, I thought I had just sensed feelings of extreme evil instead of the usual rainbow/butterfly feeling. But, I must have been mistaken. Kelsey walked out of the room. Ok, the next person couldn't be that bad. They couldn't be worse than _that. _Oh, I was sooo wrong.

"Your next patient is here, her name is Caroline." Kelsey said leading a girl into my office.

Caroline had straight black hair hanging in her face emoly and glasses. She looked up at me from the top of her glasses with the most evil look I had ever seen. I took a step back before moving forward to shake her hand.

"Hello Caroline, I'm Dr. Hale." I said cautiously.

She plopped herself down on the couch.

"So why are you here Caroline?" I asked.

She shrugged. Hmm, looked like I wasn't going to get anything out of her. I sensed she had a hatred of therapists. I filled the room with comfortable, trusting feelings. That and the feeling of impatience. I didn't have all day, kid.

"Well..." She said taking a deep breath." My family hates me and never loved me, they're having another kid to replace me, and it even gets my sick awesome room! My friends all abuse me verbally and physically and make me do stuff for them because I'm the most passive person in the world and always does whatever anyone tells me to do. I can never make a decision or plans, when asked a question I start hyperventilating and twitching and when given a command I usually spazz out and do the exact opposite. If it wasn't for my friend Eden I would probably wander around the high school hallways talking to myself because I wouldn't be able to handle making decisions. I'm secretly in love with the schools best actor. He is just so dreamy in his skin tight lizard costume…. (A/N yeah, like I wouldn't add Matt in this! Mwahahahaha) The only reason I'm here is because my friend Rachel forced me and since I'm too passive to do anything about it I came. Your secretary Kelsey is secretly evil and blames everything on me, when really she's a psycho evil beast lard that kills possum fetuses! My one redeeming quality in life is my sarcasm and witty remarks/mean streak. I can't help it some people are just way to easy to make fun of… (coughRachelcough). Anyway, yep, that's why I'm here." She finished in one breath.

Thank God for my super vampire speed writing skills. I flipped to a new page on my pad.

"Wow. Ok, hmm were do we start. Just throwing this out there, your friend Rachel sounds like the most awesome person in the world. Let's start with Kelsey, she is the sweetest person in the world, I really doubt……." I was distracted as my pen fell off the table. I bent down to pick it up. When I lifted my head I saw Caroline smacking Kelsey (who had magically appeared in the room) with a textbook.

CAROLINE!" I yelled "What are you doing!!"

She put down the textbook and then pointed to the lump on her head.

"She just ran in here and hit me over the head with a textbook!" she protested.

Kelsey looked up at me with her huge eyes in shock.

"I would NEVER!" she said sweetly before exiting the room.

I looked at Caroline before I said "Has self destructive qualities and blames it on others…." I jotted that down.

"Oh, yeah, because I would hit myself over the head with a textbook, run outside and grab Kelsey and blame it on her all in the five seconds it took you to pick up that pen." She said dryly.

"What kind of therapist are you??" she asked

"Doubts her authorities…" I wrote.

"And stop saying everything you write!" She said angrily.

Her feelings of hatred were really strong, and I was starting to get a bit scared.

"Well, Caroline, why don't you just stand up for yourself then? Huh? If you're so sick of being passive?" Her anger was rubbing off. I tried to calm down the room.

"Uhh, hhuhuhuh, I DON'T KNOW!" she panicked back with a slight twitch.

We sat like that for about 34 seconds before I decided a different approach. I really hated Alice right about now.

"Well, tell me about this acting lizard boy…" I really didn't want to know, but what else was I supposed to do.

"Oh, he is such a mega hottie dream boat!!" She squealed very unCarolineish. "The way he always plays creepy molesters or whiny adolescents, it just suites his charming personality perfectly!"

Alright, I was done with this little segment.

"Alright we're done here….." I said slowly try to make the clock move with my mind. My powers were really useless.

"Good. I probably have like 5 fanfictions to correct in my inbox, because stupid Rachel…" she mumbled to herself.

We still had like ten minutes, but by the time I looked up she was gone.

I couldn't stand another minute of listening to these crazy teenagers and their crazy emotions. So far I was managing, if it was just one person, I could handle it.

"Doctor, you have a couples appointment next." Kelsey said cheerfully.

Ah, wonderful, two crazy people. Kelsey led in an angry looking woman and a really nerdy looking guy. I gulped nervously. Her feelings of anger were thick and his feelings were challenging and jittery.

"Hello, I'm—" I was cut off by the angry girl.

"Yeah, Dr. Hale, we know, we know, can we get started!?" she said frowning.

I felt my arm twitch as I tried to push their emotions away from me.

"Ok" I said calmly. "What's the problem?"

"Well, Ronny is such a annoying baby!" the girl said. "He is always challenging me and trying to win EVERYTHING!! And if he doesn't win he totally flips out and starts whining like the little two year old that he is!" the angry girl growled.

Ronny stood up to defend himself.

"I am NOT competitive!" he said.

"Oh, yeah that's why every time we do anything, even sleeping, you make it a competition!"

I looked at my list, angry girl's name was Amy.

"Listen, doctor." Ronny said walking over to my desk. "She is the most annoying woman on the face of the earth!! She is ALWAYS angry!! Anything I do, say or even think, she flips out!! Do you know what it's like to live with that!? She's abusive to!"

Amy got up and smacked him in the arm rather hard.

"I am not abusive!" she cried.

"Oh yeah? I bet you can't hit me for….3 hours!"

"See!? Another competition! No, Ronny, I will not take your stupid bet!"

"She is like forever PMSing!"

(Amy kicks Ronny in the shins)

"Ha! You lost the bet!"

"UGH!!" Amy cried. Ronny began to talk. " NANANANANA, I'm not listening!" Amy screamed lying on the ground with her head under the chair.

"Oh, yeah?! I bet I couldn't listen longer than you!"

"Wow. Did you realize how stupid you just sounded?"

"I'm not listening."

"AHHHHH!" Amy screamed from under the chair.

I was literally shaking and gasping, though I didn't need to breathe. I couldn't take one more emotion—

"VAMPIRES!!" oh god, no, NO! Casey hopped into the room still wrapped in a white straight jacket. She stumbled to my desk chanting: Edward, mine, mine, faeries, hugs not drugs, PHIL, Edward mine, mine……

I bunch of tired men in white coats came in and pulled Casey off my desk.

Anger, hatred, competitiveness, ignorance, frustration, exhaustion, amusement, crazed hyperness (that was the strongest, thanks Casey) were all churning in my mind. I finally snapped.

"AHHHHhhhhhhhhahahjas**jhaw**ldb_hcli_!!b,sjch,lac!! I shrieked. I jumped up on the desk, shaking.

"I hate ALL OF YOU!! ALL OF YOUUU!! I'm through here, THROUGH people!!" I started laughing maniacally.

I ripped my shirt off and dived out the closed window. I landed in a bush getting leaves and twigs in my hair. I kept laughing psychotically as I galloped off on my hands and knees into the wilderness.

And that was how my first day of work went as Jasper, the Therapist.


	5. Not A Laughing Matter

A/N Hey everybody! I hoped you liked Jasper's little experience, now for our next victim, sweet little Rosalie. (That was sarcasm).She is very dramatic and slightly evil, I thought I should warn you.

And for the record, this is going to be random, hence the summary.

Not a Laughing Matter.

Rosalie's PoV:

"You _have_ to be joking!" I shrieked, once Edward told me my job.

"No, actually you are. Or you will be, at the school in one hour!" Edward said smugly.

A clown. Edward had made me, Rosalie Lillian Hale a CLOWN!

"You need to lighten up a bit. I thought this was a good start," Edward said calmly, but I could tell he was laughing inside.

Even Bella was smirking. I hated that girl. Edward shot me a look after that thought. Oh, I was sooo glad Emmett had him! I watched, satisfied, as Emmett told Edward what he was going to have to do.

"Well brother, what you give is what you get!" I replied to his horrified face.

At that moment Alice came over and shooed us off. I walked over to my BMW and slammed the door getting in. I sped out of the driveway, absolutely furious. I passed Jasper on his moped smiling to himself. Probably having one of those: _saving the world_ day dreams again. I thought of a million ways to kill Edward as I pulled into the parking lot of Fork's Elementary School. I got out and slammed the door behind me. I would do this, but I wouldn't like one second of it! I caught my radiant reflection in the mirror and smiled. Sigh, my beauty never ceased to amaze me. I traipsed up to the school office where an ugly elderly human female sat.

"Hello dear, are you the clown?" She asked seeming slightly stunned. No one would expect a girl like _me _to be the elementary school fair clown.

"I guess" I said rather irritated.

"I'll show you to where you have to change" the human said getting up and leading me to a bathroom.

Change. I thought I would have to put some lipstick on and a red nose. I didn't think I would have a complete outfit! I shuddered at the thought. She opened up a locker and there it was. Oh, the HORROR! I struggled to hold in a scream.

"We usually have Gertrude Nickinbocker, you know that really smart girl, play the clown, her mother actually made the costume! Well, she's sick this year so we are very lucky to have you on board!" The woman said cheerfully. "That poor girl never had many friends, actually she never had any friends……" the woman muttered to herself..

The woman smiled and left me in the room with that….that…thing! I pinched the very end of the fabric holding it as far away as possible from myself. It was a vibrant red dress with white polka dots and extremely bright blue striped sleeves and….ugh! It was so filled with mismatched patterns and clashing designs it literally made me dizzy looking at it! It smelt like cardboard box and apple juice stains! I could NOT do this!! But yet, I had to. I took a deep breath and put on the disgusting thing. I was soo taking a 5 hour shower when I got home. I walked over to the mirror with my head turned away. After a couple of deep breaths I looked up. I cringed at my reflection. (A first for me) I looked ridiculous! I ran my fingers threw my silky blonde hair. At least no wigs or anything. I thought. Oh I was so wrong. The door slung open as an angry looking woman came in. She was stout and blonde with a perpetual frown. It was Dr. Stern, the elementary school principle.

"Okay, we don't have all day here" she said briskly. She handed me a pair of big comical looking red shoes, a red nose and a stick of blue and red face paint pencils.

"Umm, what are these for?" I asked nervously.

Dr. Stern just stared at me like I was wasting the few minutes she had left to live.

She spoke very slowly like I was an idiot. "You put the shoes and nose on and you paint your mouth red and put the blue around your eyes."

"What's wrong with these" I whined pointing to my Gucci heels.

"Yes, because all clowns wear designer shoes" she said sarcastically.

She then spoke in an incredibly threatening creepy voice. "As I said before, I don't have all day Ms. Hale, if you're going to waste my time then leave. I have a Magical Rainbow Land Carnival to run, and I take it _very_ seriously."

She might actually be the only human I was afraid of. This made me kind of mad.

"Yeah, sure." I said with a sniff.

Dr. Stern left the room leaving me with these abominable items. I grumbled as I slipped my feet into the ridiculous shoes and stuck the little red ball on my nose. I looked in the mirror to apply the sticky blue makeup pencil around my eyes and then the red one around my mouth. I looked at myself when I was done and let out a dry sob. Oh, Edward was not going to live through the night. The ugly human woman came back and said I looked "adorable". She said all I had to do was walk around, tell jokes and just entertain the children. I thought, I can do this, I like children. Ha, that just shows how much I knew!

I walked out of the bathroom and into an auditorium jam packed with human children. There were games set up along the perimeter of the gym and a table in the center with snacks. It was deafening. Kids, whining, crying, laughing, screaming, and talking. It also smelt like sweat and stale popcorn and of course, apple juice. And there I was in the middle of it all dressed like the world's biggest loser. This day was going to suck. I was debating whether to stand in a corner or just go back to the bathroom when a little boy ran up to me with his friends. He had adorable blue eyes!

"Hey clown, tell us a joke!" he demanded.

A joke? I didn't know any jokes!

"What has four legs and can fly?" I said slowly.

"What?' The boy asked eagerly.

"Two birds!"

There was silence.

"That's…….NOT FUNNY!" the boy screamed.

"Well, I bet you don't have a better one!" I shot back. God, was I honestly fighting with a six year old?

"Fine. What color is a burp?" he asked his friends.

They all waited eagerly.

"Burple!" he said letting out a series of burps.

His friends laughed hysterically and started chanting burple. It was appalling. He looked at me smugly.

"That" I said staring him down. "Was _not_ funny."

He looked very mad. He suddenly kicked me. Where was this little brats parents, did they have no shame?

"I HATE YOU!!" he cried. "Get her!"

His little posse turned on me and charged. One of the kids grabbed my ankle and bit me! I know I was made of stone, but this was disgusting! I shook them off and ran out into the hallway knocking over a little girl who started to cry and scream "Evil clown, Evil clown!"

I skidded into a classroom and watched as the rabid six year olds passed. I sighed out of relief and walked briskly into the gym, only to be stopped by one of the world's biggest annoyances.

"Rosalie…..is that you?" an unbelieving Mike Newton asked.

I contemplated just running away but knew it was too late.

"Hello, Michael." I said turning around.

He just stared.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you it's impolite to stare!?" I said angrily.

"Sorry, I just didn't expect to…wasn't aware that….didn't know that you were the school…clown." He finished after what felt like a millennium.

"Well, I am, all due to my extremely evil brother who is forcing me to do this." I vented, even if it was to Mike Newton.

"Is Emmett here?" He asked coolly. "Because I think this clown thing is kind of hot…"

EWWWW! Ok, I would definitely have some scarring for life after this.

"You know what I think Mike? I think you're a-"

He never got to find out what exactly how I felt about him and his desperate, creepy, disturbing ways, because at that exact second a ball of sticky cotton candy entangled itself in my beautiful hair. The sound of victorious screaming came from the cotton candy stand. I didn't have to turn around to know it was those six year old brats. Oh, this was war! I turned around and stalked towards the food station.

"Rosalie, wait ! Where are you going? I thought we could…." His voice drowned away as I stopped by the pudding table and picked up a bowl. For a vampire I had exceptional aim. I wound up and flung the pudding bowl through the air and with a thwump, it hit little Johnny blue eyes right in the back of the head. I quickly turned around but not too quick, that I didn't see him looking around startled and then burst into tears.

Score! I thought to myself and started doing my victory dance. To bad I victory danced right into a very angry principal.

"Ms. Hale, your clown duties do not entail you dancing." She pointed to a little girl standing alone in a corner. "Now go make her laugh, or else! This is a happy carnival damn it! Happy, now go and make her happy!"

I walked away from the scary angry principal and over to the little girl. Come on Rosalie, you're the most beautiful, confident all around best being on the planet. Now go over there and be accommodating

"Hello there! My name is Rosalie the Clown! Want to here a joke!" I tried my best to sound cheery. Kids aren't usually comfortable around vampires. The little girl looked up at me with horror in her eyes. She looked familiar.

"EVIL CLOWN, EVIL CLOWN!!" she shrieked.

Oh, so that's why.

I looked over and saw Dr.Stern eying me suspiciously from her perch on the stage in front of the auditorium.

"Uhh, no, I'm not evil! I'm a nice magical rainbow land clown!" I said desperately.

The little girl started to sob.

"Don't cry!" I said.

This only made her sob louder.

"Listen kid, if you stop crying I'll give you ten bucks!" I said running out of ideas.

She stopped and considered.

"Twenty." She replied.

I decided I really hated children.

"Sure whatever." I said pulling a twenty from the handy clown pocket.

She got up and ran away smiling.

I straightened up muttering to myself as a woman came over to me with a group of children. There were three little dirty kids and two babies hanging from her arms. She looked frazzled.

"Everybody, say hello to the nice little clown!" the lady said in an obnoxious voice.

"Hello!" five kids called in anything but unison.

"Now, I bet if we all say please the nice clown will make us a balloon animal!"

A balloon animal! I didn't even blow up balloons, much less make them into animals!

"Please!!" The children cried eagerly.

"I don't know how..." I started to say to the mother who cut me off.

"Nonsense, anyone can make one!" the mother said, a slight edge to her voice. I pulled the balloon making kit from my pocket, which I didn't think was a necessity.

I slowly pumped up the balloon biding my time. I blew up four long balloons and then handed them out to each kid.

"Yours is a worm, yours is a stick, yours is a sword and yours is a…..umm, letter I." I said satisfied.

The kids looked up at me with empty expressions.

"There, there she is!" a whiny kid's voice shouted above the crowd.

I looked up to see blue eyes and his little gang coming towards me with angry faces and pudding covered t-shirts.

Darn, I thought I had already gotten rid of that little dilemma!

"Hey, Rosalie, wait up! We didn't finish _our_ discussion!" the way Mike Newton said that was very disturbing.

The woman whose kids I had just graciously made those wonderful balloons for was talking to Dr. Stern who had magically appeared. Very fitting, since the theme was magical ….whatever..

"What kind of clown is she!? She can't even make my kids a balloon animal! "The woman whined as her kids began to complain and cry.

The parents of little blue eyes were looking at me as he told them what happened I suppose. They had no proof, no evidence, they'll never catch me I tell you, NEVER!! As those maniac thoughts filled my head I didn't realize that blue eyes' little groupies were missing. The sound of crying children surrounded me.

"She _paid_ my child to not report her for shoving her in the hallway!" A woman complained holding that little bargainer at her side.

"Excuse me, Dr. Stern, this woman _threw pudding at my six year old son_!" an angry man who looked like a Mr. Olympia contestant said holding a very innocent looking blue eyes. Yeah kid, you keep on acting, I know what you TRULY are!

"She is ruining my children's day!" complained the woman with the unappreciative children. I guess she decided she had to complain 5 times for each of her children. I was fighting the urge to not kill them all.

Dr. Stern was trying to calm them all down, but I didn't have to be Jasper to know she was about to (attempt) to kill me herself.

"What, do you like picking on little kids, huh?" asked bargainer's mom.

"They're not as innocent as they look I'm telling you people! They're EVIL, EVIL!" I shrieked on the edge of breaking.

"You know what? I say we take matters into our own hands!" blue eyes' wrestler dad said.

"Yeah!" Angry parents and children shouted in unison.

I started to run through the doors leading to the hallway, when I pushed them open a bucket of water crashed down and sprayed me full in the face.

"AHHHH!" I shrieked as red and blue face paint ran down my face.

Little blue eyes' gang was there laughing their clever, evil, six year old butts off.

"See!" I screamed "They are the culprits here!"

The angry parents/mob stopped.

"Well, now what do we do with these torches and pitch forks?" complained one man.

Everyone just looked around.

"Well, let's not let this good mob go to waste! GET HER!!" cried an elderly lady wielding an axe.

"AGGGHHHH!!" cried the civilians/mob as they chased me out of the school.

I ran as fast as I could without giving us away and without killing myself in those over sized shoes.

As I streaked through the streets, sticky cotton candy in my hair and melted face paint smeared on my face, I guessed I looked like a deranged carnie on the loose.

I quickly dove behind a dumpster as the angry mob charged by.

Me, Rosalie Lillian Hale, behind a dumpster hiding from humans!

I had learned two things from this experience.

One, I hate children. And two, Edward was going to die a slow and painful death.

And that is how my first day went as Rosalie, The Clown.

A/N hmm, not my best but I hope you all enjoyed it! Look at my profile to see Rosalie's gorgeous clown costume. Just letting you know, looking for that clown costume was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life, so I hope you all appreciate it!

K, I'm done.


	6. Author's Note In Disguise!

A/N

Ok, I know you all probably hate me for doing this but I thought I should warn you so you don't think I disappeared off the face of the earth or something!

I am going on a cruise this week (wooh) so I won't be able to update anything…..

Wow, I just realized how vain this is, I'm just assuming you all care whether I update or not……

Well, assuming you care, I'll be back after next week with an AWESOME chapter! (Well, I hope it is...) And, yeah that's all. I think I just felt like posting.

Now for the disguise.

The Disguise

A/N (hey, another one!) Since you can't post author's notes without a story, here is an _amazing _story.

While everyone is fretting over their jobs:

A happy bird was singing a happy song when Aro was skipping along in the cloudshine that day. He thought of the Cullens.

Then he ate it.

"That was DISGUSTING!!" he cried.

And the happy song was no more.

THE END!!


	7. Alice

A/N Sorry about the random last chapter. Back to reality (sorta), Emmett was giving me extreme writers block so I'm just moving on to Alice. Darn Emmett, he's messing up my whole schedule!

P.S I don't really know anything about Alice's job so if your uncle is an undertaker and I have it sooo wrong……..sorry.

(Oh and no offense to anyone named Dorkas!)

Alice

Alice's Pov:

I just stood there very confused.

"But Rose, I thought you were making me a fashion consultant?" I said baffled.

"Well I _was,_ but then I realized no one was playing nice, so why should I?" Rosalie said dryly.

"But, but in my vision-"

"Alice, your visions suck." Rose retorted.

"They do not! I just happened to know exactly how your day is going to happen!" I said evilly. Ah, there's nothing better than a good mob.

"Well I bet being a funeral director could be a-mazing! I get to give them makeovers right?!" I asked eagerly. This wasn't going to be bad at all! I could bring hope and joy to the mourning, _give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,  
The wretched refuse-_

"Please, Alice! You're almost as bad as Jasper!" Edward complained cutting me off in mid emotional speech.

"_Sorry_ Mr. Grumpy pants!"

I then proceeded to tell Jasper his job and we all know how well he took it! Not wanting any of them to jeopardize the super funness of the game I rushed them out of the house. Gosh, they will never let me live down that _one_ time I got a_ little_ bit out of control because no one wanted to play super diva fashion show with me! Never say no to Alice, it is kinda catchy…..I hopped into my 911 turbo yellow Porsche that I just loved so much! This day was going to be oodles of fun! As I drove to Forks Funeral Parlor I had a little vision to check up on my Jazzyper. Ooohh, that didn't look too good, but at least he was keeping his cool so far! I pulled into the parking lot and gracefully slid out of my awesome bribe derived car. I pranced into the building and walked to the office door.

"Helloooo? This is Alice Cullen reporting for funeral duty!" I cried into the room.

A woman dressed in a horribly tacky dress suit looked up at me questioningly.

"_You're_ Alice Cullen?" she said looking at me from the top of her glasses. "Aren't you a little young to be a funeral director?"

"Nope, I have PLENTY of life experience!" I said letting off one of my dazzling smiles.

She seemed totally unaffected. I pouted.

"Well Ms. Cullen, you have your first client in ten minutes. All you have to do is make sure the body is ready for showing, then have it moved up to room A. Once it is there make sure everyone is agreeable with the arrangements thus far. After that you will be working on preparing more bodies for showing. Just try to get threw this first one. I know its short notice, but you have "life experience"." She said dryly.

I got the strange feeling she didn't like me that much.

"Alrighty! Where's my first little friend!" I said in my normal way.

She just stared at me. Her name tag read Dorkas.

"Ms. Cullen, this is a funeral home, not the cheerleading squad. Save your pep for the team and have respect for the dead." I could tell this woman color coded her sock draw as a child.

"Dory, I have the **upmost** respect for the dead!" I said smiling.

Dory seemed to get even more serious. Her eyes narrowed in anger.

"My name is _Dorkas,_ Ms. Dorkas to you." She sniffed.

"Ok, Dory I'll be seeing you later!" I then skipped out of the office. What a joker that lady was, who would want to be called Dorkas?

I walked down the staircase leading to the embalming room or whatever they called it. There was a table with a sheet over something large in the center of the room. My first customer, I thought gleefully. I pulled off the sheet.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

I heard Dory's sensible (but ugly) shoes tapping down the stairs.

"What!?" she asked out of breathe. When she looked around and saw everything was fine her permanent frown deepened. "I know seeing the deceased can be upsetting but this is your _job_, Ms. Cullen!"

I could hardly speak from the horror.

"It's…..It's….not……that!" I managed to get out. "It's ……just….. …….WHAT IS SHE WEARING!!" I wailed. It was horrific! They had placed that poor, poor old woman in a tacky black dress with….with shoulder pads!

Dory looked confused and then went back to her mad face.

"This is what Mrs. Lucas wanted to be buried in, we must respect her wishes. Now hurry up in here." As she walked away I heard her murmur "I thought the dress was nice….

I shuddered. The thought of these destitute people that just wander the earth without a clue to how they are destroying the very soul of fashion! And I knew, if nothing else, my goal in life was to stop it at any cost! Why do you think I take Bella shopping all the time? Vampire powers time! I ran all the way to the nearest mall and grabbed the cutest outfit ever! I mean, if I was ever going to die and had Belinda Lucas's structure, this would be the dress, baby! I ran back and started to work on my masterpiece. Approximately ten minutes from when she had left I heard Dory coming back down.

"The deceased's relatives are here you-" Dory cut off mid sentence as she beheld my beauteous creation.

"Good God, Mary and Joseph!" she cried. "What did you do to her?!"

I looked at old Belinda Lucas. I had put her in that adorable pink puffy ball gown I had found. Her hair was curled with the curling iron I had picked up and she wore a pair of gorgeous stiletto heels.

"Oh! I almost forgot the most important thing!" I twirled over and placed the shiny tiara in her gray hair. "I had tried to get her face less solemn and grumpy, but it's like stuck that way." I said to explain why Dory was probably upset.

Dory's face had gotten very red and she looked like she was going to faint.

"And don't think I forgot you, silly!" I said grabbing a shopping bag from the counter. I pulled out a classy dress, elegant yet still professional. Way better than that frump fest she was wearing!

Dory seemed to be trying very hard to breathe steadily.

"Where did you get all these things? I left _ten _minutes ago!" She said shaking.

Oooh, this one always worked. "Umm the internet?" I said smiling.

"Mrs. Lucas's family is here and she looks like a prom queen that had been trapped in an iceberg for 50 years!"

"Oh, don't worry! She looks darling, really!" I than tucked little old Mrs. Lucas under my arm and walked up the stairs. I heard the thud of Dory fainting. I would take care of that later. I placed Belinda on her coffin and fixed a few loose curls. Perfect! I thought. I know now I should have checked the future more carefully.

I closed the curtain around Belinda and went to the door to greet everybody.

"Hello! Hi! Welcome! Aloha!" I chirped as the serious family members strolled in. I couldn't wait for them to see how fantastical Belinda looked!

Suddenly Lauren, that mean girl with the terrible hair cut, walked in.

"Hi Lauren!" I said cheerfully.

She looked confused and then miffed (like always).

"What are _you _doing here?" she said snobbily.

"I work here now" I said calmly.

"Aren't you like super rich?" she said.

"Well, yeah, but I thought it would be fun!"

She just stared at me.

"You thought it would be _fun _work at a funeral home?" she said in disbelief.

I decided I probably shouldn't try to explain this to her.

"So how do you know Belinda?" I asked casually.

"She's my grandma." Lauren said looking more bored by the second.

"Oh, I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, me too! She didn't even leave me anything good, just some crappy necklace!" Lauren grumbled.

I really didn't like this girl. I suddenly had a vision, which means my eyes probably went blank and I fell over.

I could hear Lauren saying Freak! and then walking away in the distance.

I jumped back up. Looked like Emmett was doing well (a little too well), Bella was going to get accepted to _another_ collage due to Edwards bribery and they were having a sale at Neiman Marcus tomorrow!

I got up just in time to see them revealing Mrs. Lucas. A gasp ran through the crowd. Now, I always like to be humble, so of course I didn't make a big show of my workmanship.

"Attention, attention!" I called into the megaphone. "I just like to inform you all I was the one who put Mrs. Belinda Lucas in her stunning attire. I'd like to thank Esme for her support, Carlisle for the loans, Jasper for occasionally wearing my dresses for viewing purposes-." My beautiful speech was cut off by violent sobbing and a woman standing and pointing a finger at me.

"YOU! You did this!" she cried.

"Yes. No need to thank me" I said graciously.

"How could you!?" the woman wailed. "That dress….."

"Pink is what killed her!!" she screeched.

"How could _pink_ kill some one?" I asked innocently.

A man stood up. "It's a very delicate subject young lady! You don't just go around questioning how people die!

"Yeah!" yelled another.

"How could you be so inconsiderate?" another called.

"If your head got cut off with a chainsaw, you wouldn't expect someone to display a chainsaw at your funeral would you?! What kind of a monster are you!?" somebody said.

"How would my head get chopped of with a chainsaw?" I asked confused.

How did I not see this coming!?

At that moment Dory, rumpled and deranged from being passed out, stumbled into the room.

"Please people! Please, order! I am eminently sorry for what has happened here! This employee will be fired immediately and you get a coffin on the house!" Dory said desperately.

Good save Dory! Wait….fired!?

The family seemed to calm down. A free coffin is hard to come by now a day.

"Ms Cullen!" Dory hissed. "a word!"

I walked out of the room into Dory's office. She breathed deeply several times before continuing.

"Ms. Cullen, we have no other staff on board today, so you will finish the rest of this work day." I squealed with excitement. "BUT, after today I don't want to see your face around here again, unless you are dead! Do you understand?" she said indigently.

I couldn't help but giggle, I was already dead!

Dory just sighed.

"Don't worry Dory! I'll keep a close eye on the future, no more mistakes today, I swear!" I said before skipping back to the downstairs body room.

There on the table was a jar of ashes. That would be my next customer; I just had to bring it to the graveyard in the back of the building. For some strange reason, this person wanted their ashes buried. I concentrated on my future and prepared for a vision. Nothing. I tried again, Nothing! All I could see was a blank future! I was starting to panic! How was I supposed to know if everything was going to work out if I couldn't see!? This could only mean one thing, werewolves.

I ran out to the graveyard and there they were, a whole stinkin pack of them!

"Alice?" a confused Jacob looked up at me through tear filled eyes." What are you doing here?"

"I work here, what are _you_ all doing here?" I asked annoyed.

"We are burying Jacob's hopes and dreams." said Sam seriously.

"Why!! Why did she have to go with that disgusting leech!!" wailed Jacob.

Quil just rolled his eyes.

"Wait, then what's in this jar?" I asked hesitantly.

"The ashes of the wedding dress and baby clothes I had bought for Bella and our children!" Jacob sobbed.

Well this was creepy.

"He even had a retirement fund!" whispered Embry.

Now it was very creepy.

"Can we get this over with? I want my visions back!" I whined

But before the ceremony serenading Jacob's strange obsessions into the abyss could occur a lady walked by wearing the cutest pair of heels I've EVER seen!

"Wait!" I yelled "Wear in the world did you get these!!"

"Oh 3 minutes ago Super Shoe Emporium randomly decided to have a sale! These were a limited addition, the only pair they had! I was just in the right place at the right time, you'd have to be psychic to know that was going to happen!" she then strolled off in the most heavenly pair of pumps my eyes have ever beheld in over 100 years!

I couldn't take this anymore. Everyone always making fun of my visions, and now, NOW when Super Shoe Emporium has a sale on original heels, a pack of werewolves have to show up and cloud my spastic visions!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" I screamed so loud Jacob's urn shattered.

"No! Not my dreams and desires!" he squealed picking them up.

"Why!! WHY!!" I screamed at the sky. I saw Dory run outside as well as a few other people.

"Work visions work!!" I shrieked as I started to run after the human girl in the incredible shoes. "Stupid werewolves, Stupid visions! Stupid werewolves" I yelled over and over.

Suddenly I felt two people tackle me to the ground.

"What's happening!?" I yelped. I had a strange sense of Déjà vu.

"We are the nice happy people, and we are going to take you to a nice happy place with fluffy white rooms!" said a man in a doctor's outfit.

Hey, were did this straight jacket come from?

Suddenly I got my first human memory back. No wonder this was so familiar!

"You'll never take me alive!" I yelled as I started to run.

Before I could take a step a pair of Mary Janes dangled in front of my face.

"Yes follow the pretty shoes" cooed a man in white.

I followed them into a truck with padded walls.

_Rats, they got me again!_ I thought as the doors slammed shut.

As we drove away I yelled: "I'm not crazy, I tell you! Edward's the crazy one! He's dating a HUMAN! I'm not crazy, I'm not, I'm not!"

As we neared Forks Mental Institution I could swear I saw Jasper galloping into the wilderness.

And that was how my first day went as Alice, the undertaker.

A/N Belinda's dress is on my profile


	8. Emmett

A/N Emmett's turn! This chapter droveme even further into insanity so I'm saying now, this Ch. isn't that great. But don't worry I will make up for it with Edward! (hopefully!) P.S ALMOST 50 REVIEWS!! YAY! Thanks everybody!

Emmett

Emmett Pov:

"Wait, you mean the _dancing_ kind?" I asked.

"That's the only kind of ballerina's there are, Emmett" Jasper said slowly, like I was some kind of idiot!!

"JASPER! I do NOT dance!" I whined.

"Well, now you do! " Jasper said happily.

At least his job was bad as well! A therapist! Ha, that's kind of like the-rapist! HAHA!

"Is there even thing as a boy ballerina? What would you call it? A man-rina, a ballerin_o_??" I complained.

"That's up to you, Emmett. Oh, I almost forgot! Here's your tutu." Jasper said smiling, while pulling a frilly pink thing from out of thin air.

"I will NOT degrade myself by wearing, that!" I said puffing out my super manly chest.

Jasper just put it on my head before going to get on that snazzy moped of his. I stamped out to my jeep and revved the engine. Emmet McCarty Cullen, the ballerina. Nope, couldn't envision it, couldn't even think it without shuddering. Well, at least Edward couldn't laugh, he was too horrified at the job I gavehim. Thinking on that, I cheered up a little. But just a little. I pulled my big red manly jeep of awesomeness into a parking lot that was filled with mini vans and girly cars. I got out andslammed the door, bringing the attention of two twelve year oldsin leotards that just looked at me like I was a creep. If I was going to do this I was going to do it with dignity! I walked head high into the main office.

"May I speak with the head of this grand facility?" I said in my best English debonair voice.

"Emmet?" an annoyingly familiar voice asked.

I looked up to see that gossipy weird girl, Jessica Stanley.

"That's _Monsieur_ Emmett to you!" I sniffed haughtily. So far so good on the dignity thing!

"Umm, Ok. You know there's like a tutu on your head right?" she said pointing.

Darn that Jasper, darn him to heck!

"Of course I do! What kind of daft fool do you take me for!?" I said whipping it off.

"What's with the English accent…?" she asked cautiously.

"That's for me to know andyou to find out!" I whispered mysteriously. Yay! I could go totally James Bond now!

That was the second time that day some one looked at me like I was a creep. What was with this? They were probably just stunned by my greatness. I was getting kind of annoyed.

"Just tell me whose in charge you wiener bob!" I shrieked.

"Did you like just call me a _wiener bob_?" that annoying girl asked annoyingly.

She was saved from my wicked come back by a woman walking into the room who looked very serious and fierce.

"Emmett Cullen" It wasn't really a question but that didn't stop me from answering. Dignity time!

"Yes madam, Emmett Maynerd McCarty Cullen, at your service" I said bowing.

Annoying girl started laughing hysterically.

"Maynerd? This is too good…"

Darn myself to heck! I had said my dumb middle name again!

The serious looking lady just stared at me and then clapped her hands and said "Come!"

I followed behind her still carrying my tutu, I mean Jasper's tutu!

"Mr. Cullen, you will be an assistant today to Ms.Zana, she will teach you what you must know" with that serious lady walked away.

"Hello, Emmett, is it? I'm Zana, I need you to get in your outfit immediately. We have a class in ten minutes." A tall skinny girl said as she walked in the room. She spoke very professionally and I was scared.

"Changed into what?" I asked cautiously.

She turned around and threw a pink leotard at me.

"You already have the tutu, I see" she said before leaving the room.

I was going to kill Jasper.

I picked up the stretchy pink thing. How do you even put it on anyway? I took my clothes off and attempted to pull it on. Right leg in, left leg and OOMF! I fell over crashing in the door. I was now lying in the hallway with half a leotard on. Startled children looked at me.

"Hello, ladies" I said smoothly, standing up.

"It's the HULK!!" screamed a little girl as she dove out a window. Hmm, good thing we are on the first floor.

"Mr. Cullen!" shrieked Zana "Stop harassing the children!"

I sulked back into the classroom which brought back the jolly memories of the time we dismembered James. I don't remember why we did it though (it had to do with Bella maybe….) just that it was really fun!

I fixed the stupid stretchy spandex and stepped into the fluffy pink tutu (which by the way, where did you even get that Jasper, hmmm?)

"Our first class is the seven and eight year old ballet students. They are a preparing for a recital, and they take this very seriously. I heard you have taken ballet from a young age, so you will conduct the warm up." Zana said as a bunch of giggling little girls walked into the room. They all stopped talking and just stared at me as they walked into the room, then they started whispering and pointing.

Now having lived many a decade with Esme, I thought this was rude. So I decided to point that out.

"It's impolite to point! And secrets don't make friends!" I declared.

"Who are _you, _exactly?" asked a short blonde girl.

"I'm Emmett Maynerd McCarty Cullen!" I said the middle name again didn't I?

There was a short silence followed by bursts of laughter.

"Settle down class! Mr. Cullen is our new instructor here, so I expect you to treat him with up most respect!" Zana yelled. I was glad she was there, these girls scared me.

Suddenly Zana's phone rang.

"Hmm, yes. Oh! Oh no!" she cried into the phone. "I'm sorry class… but I just got some horrid news! My Uncle's half sister's housekeeper just totaled her car by crashing into a herd of wild water buffalo! I have to leave, Mr. Cullen will be in charge for the rest of the day." With that my only hope of surviving ballet school disappeared.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind her ten evil looking 2nd graders in leotards turned on me.

"Umm, Hello there" I started nervously plucking at my tutu. "My name is Emmett-"

"Maynerd, we know!" said that meany blonde one.

"And what is your name you vile little girl?!"

"Alexa, and I'm the captain of this team so if your not going to do your job Maynerd, I will!" she said meanily.

"Oh, I'll do my job all right. You better just be prepared for the damn best ballet class you've ever had!" I said. We stood squinting our eyes at each other for a good ten minutes.

Someone cleared their throat. "Umm can we get started?"

"Yes!" I said snapping to attention. "Now everyone….umm…line up by that bar thing!"

Everyone shuffled over. They just stood there staring at me creepily.

Finally I screamed: "What do you want from me!?"

"You're supposed to tell us what to do…duh." said Alexa rolling her eyes. "If you can't handle teaching _2__nd__grade_ ballet_, I'll_ do it for you" she said slowly sounding just like Jasper when he talks to me, and that made me mad.

"I think I can handle this, young lady! And do not underestimate my awesome tutu wearing dance powers! Now everyone…." Ugh what was a good ballet move? I racked my brains through all the movies I had seen. Oooh! This one was my favorite!

"Everyone bend and snap!" I called professionally. They just stared at me.

"Oh my god the bend and snap works every time!" I cried. "Here I'll show you!"

I proceeded to do my best bend and snap interpretation in front of the class.

"That is not a _real _ballet move!" said Alexa whinelly.

"Your mom's not a real ballet move!" I shouted back.

"Immature…" she muttered rolling her eyes.

"Fine, class. Everyone follow my lead!" I then started dancing around the class. I looked behind me to see that they were all following…and laughing! Good job, Emmett! I thought. I stretched and jogged in place and then stretched some more.

"See! You meanypants Alexa, I can teach the class!" I turned around to look at her and found nine little girls lying in various places around the room knocked out due to exhaustion. I guess I didn't realize I was working at vampire speed. Alexa just stood there with her hands on her hips, staring at me with an I-told-you-so face.

"FINE! You win, take the stupid class!" I then went and pouted in a little corner. "I didn't really want it anyway…" I muttered to myself.

After we rehydrated and defibrillated some of the girls, class continued as usual. I stood in the corner sulking as Alexa preformed a pas de chat.

"I don't see what's so hard about that!" I said nonchalantly. "Looks like a piece of mountain lion!"

Alexa narrowed her eyes and looked incredibly angry.

"I don't know what a piece of mountain lion is supposed to mean, but if it's so easy why don't _you_ do it!?" she hissed.

"I will." I hissed back.

I clapped my hands and Beethoven's 5th blasted from nowhere and the lights dimmed dramatically.

I then proceeded to dance. As I was dancing I never knew I could do these things! I pirouetted, pliéd, and passéd my little non existent heart out. I was a dove against the early morning sky, a unicorn prancing through the forest, a rainbow in the sunlight!

When I was done the music faded out and I bowed.

The room was silent.

Alexa just stood there.

"Ladies, I think we've found our lead!" She cried happily.

"Ooohhh! I get to be in the recital!" I cried

"Yes, but this isn't any walk in the park mister, this is hard, _serious,_ work! And all I have to say is…..Can you dig it?

I stood up in my best solider pose, puffed out my pink ripped chest and hiked up my tutu of manliness.

"Oh, I can dig it alright!"

I clapped my hands once more.

At that Grazing In The Grass came on as a disco ball dropped from the ceiling and we all busted a move.

And that is how my first day went as Emmett, the Ballerina.

A/N wow, glad that's over with. (By the way, I just watched an INSANE video on the lexicon about the twilight movie and am still sitting in a stunned silence)

Now Grazing in the grass is stuck in my head, time to go bust a move………….


	9. Edward!

A/N And now ladies and gents the moment we have all been waiting for………EDWARD'S JOB! His job is very predictable but come on, I couldn't NOT do it!

(And I know Esme is an angel, but I like making her evil. She's just too darn nice!)

EDWARD

I stood there completely and utterly horrified. I should have known, I did know actually, something like this would happen. But I didn't actually think Emmett would be so cruel! Emmett just stood there laughing.

"Emmett...how could you!? " I asked horrified. "I am NOT doing this!"

Suddenly Alice appeared with a furious expression. I cringed at the memories of the Barbie Diva fashion show incident.

"Looks like you are Eddy!" he said smiling.

"I am NOT BEING A STRIPPER!" I shrieked.

Jasper was laughing, Alice smirking and Emmett rolling on the ground shaking with laughter.

"Alice, you knew about this didn't you?" I hissed furious.

Alice just smiled innocently.

"Well brother, what you give is what you get!" Rosalie said smugly.

I looked over at Bella. I couldn't read her facial expression but it looked like a mixture of horror, shock, embarrassment, anger and…….extreme joy. I sighed in frustration at not being able to read her thoughts, it was REALLY annoying!

"You'll be needed at Forks Ladies Club at 8:00 pm. You are their opening act!" Emmett laughed.

"Forks has a strip bar?" Bella finally spoke.

"You'd be surprised at what Forks has! It has a hospital the size of a gas station, yet it has room for a strip bar and mental institution!" grumbled Carlisle on his way out the door.

Alice then proceeded to rush us all out of the house, except for Bella and I. We had plenty of time. Plenty of time to sit in awkward silence, time to think about the horrible things I would be forced to do in front of the female population of Forks.

"Bella I don't have to do this, if you don't want me to" I said. If she said no, this would be a perfect excuse to get out of this, I could never say no to her!

Bella looked thoughtful. "Umm, I actually wouldn't mind." She said slowly.

Damn, I knew she wasn't as innocent as she looked!

"So you're going to let me degrade myself by stripping in front of a bunch of women we know, most likely parents of the kids we go to school with?"

"Umm, yeah. I mean if that's what I'm going to have to do to get you to show a little skin, then yes." She said matter-of-factly.

I just sighed and smacked my head against a table.

"You know I'm going to need years and years of therapy after this!" I cried as I accidently split the table in half with my head.

Oh! This could be good; Esme might kill me before I could even get there!

"EDWARD CULLEN! Did you just smash my antique coffee table in half?!" I heard Esme roar from upstairs.

"Why yes, Esme, yes I did! Don't you want to put me under house arrest, decapitate me or something along those lines?" I asked hopefully.

Esme suddenly appeared at my side.

"Oh, Edward, that would just be too easy! I'm going to go to your first day on the "job" and take some pictures for the family scrapbooks!" she said sweetly and some how managed to still sound evil.

With that, Esme left to buy a camera with intense zooming powers. I should have known my luck wouldn't let me get away with a quick but painful death, no, I had to be _tortured _first!

"I'm starting to think this isn't such a good idea" Bella said hesitantly.

"You think?!" I growled.

"Well, we might as well pick you out a good song to strip to!" Bella said trying to lighten the mood.

"Cool!" I said in my bipolar way.

We walked over to the computer and Bella typed in /.

"So how exactly are we going to find a song this way?" I asked incredulously.

Bella typed something in the "search for a quiz area" and a quiz popped up.

"By taking this quiz." She said.

The title read: What Song Should You Strip To?

Something suddenly occurred to me.

"Bella, how do _you _know about this quiz?"

"Oh, my song is Dirrty by Christina Aguilera" she said very casually.

Oh, she is most definitely NOT innocent!

"Now take the quiz!" she whined.

I looked at the first question.

**1. ****Who would you do a dance for? **

**A. Someone you were trying to seduce**

**B. Anyone who will watch**

**C .An enthusiastic crowd**

**D. Someone you're flirting with**

**E .Any crowd with a ton of dollar bills**

**F. The person who owns your heart**

F, A person who owned my heart, Bella, of course.

**2. What would make you a good stripper? **

**A. You know how to move**

**B. Your freaky dance style**

**C. Your smokin' bod**

**D. You're very flexible**

**E. Your intense eye contact**

**F. Your awesome outfit**

E, I was known for dazzling a few, back in the day, with my intense eyes.

**3. What outfit is the best to dance in? **

**A. A pirate outfit**

**B. Anything with lots of glitter and body paint**

**C. A superhero outfit**

**D. A devil outfit**

**E. A cop outfit**

**F. An all black, all vinyl outfit**

C, It was that or body glitter, I do love my glitter.

**4. What's sexy about you? **

**A. ****You're a little dangerous, and that's hot**

**B. You wear your sexiness on your sleeve**

**C. Your flawless body**

**D. You carry yourself with confidence**

**E. You're innocent yet naughty**

**F. You know how to make others feel powerful**

A, Make that a lot of dangerous. That one was hard. I mean I'm just sexy all over, my middle name is practically sexy- ok I'll stop.

**5. Finally, every dancer has a lucky g-string. What color would yours be? **

**A. Pink**

**B. Purple**

**C. Silver**

**D. Gold**

**E. Black**

**F. Red**

D, Gold to match my fantabulous carpet.

I finally hit the submit button and waited.

**Your Stripper Song Is **

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears  
"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.  
I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."  
**You may seem uptight, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!**

Bella broke out in hysterical laughter. A Britney Spears song!? Why, God, why!?

"I am NOT doing this!" I whined.

"Oh, come on. Britney was…um…interesting back in her day! If you don't like that, Closer by Nine Inch Nails was your second choice-."

"I'm not talking about the song Bella!" I yelled, bipolar again. "I don't wanna do this! And Britney was _never_ good"

As soon as the word left my lips a strange boy ran into the room wearing a: My name is Chris Crocker t-shirt. "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE YOU BASTARD! YOU'RE LUCKY SHE EVEN PREFORMS FOR YOU!!" he wailed before jumping out our back window and disappearing.

Well, that was strange.

"Hmmm, maybe if we go buy you an ice cream cone you'll feel better!" Bella suggested getting right back into the conversation.

"Bella…. I don't eat" I said slowly.

"I know, but I'm hungry so vamos!" Bella cried jumping up.

After Random Time Period of Ice Cream Eating:

"Ahh, well that was refreshing and wasted a good chunk of time managing to save our floundering author from having to come up with more ways for us to squander time till the big event!" Bella babbled.

She was so weird sometimes. No, all times.

"You know I have no idea what you're talking about right?" I asked.

"Yep!" she replied as her tediously slow truck traveled out of Forks.

"Where are we going?" I asked suspiciously

"Well, all strippers have a lucky stripping outfit! So, we're going to buy you one!" Bella said still strangely cheerful after her sugar high.

I was about to protest but if I was going to be forced into this I might as well go all out. We pulled up to a store with a neon sign advertising the latest in stripping fashion.

"Bella, how do you know about this place?" I was getting more and more scared of her as the day went on.

"Umm" Bella hesitated, Oh, she had heard Alice say this before. "The internet?"

I just sighed. As we walked in a bell jingled over head.

"Hello! And how may I assist you two lovely people today?" asked an overly friendly sales lady. _Especially you!_ She thought looking at me. I quickly tuned out her thoughts by singing….to my horror…I'm a slave 4 U. Stupid song was stuck in my head.

"Oh, hi Bella! We haven't seen you in a while!" said the cheery lady.

Bella just cleared her throat, looking at me anxiously.

"Umm, not today Trixie, we are here for an outfit for my beloved Edward!"

_Darn, he's taken_! Trixie thought and then her head was immediately filled with happy Japanese pop songs.

"We'll just take a look around" Bella said before yanking me into one of the many aisles." Ok, so what do you want to be?"

"Uh, I don't know! What are strippers supposed to be?"

Bella took a deep breath "Well there's,rockstarsraggedyannsrabbitsreptilesratsrobotsspidermanmichaeljacksonmarieantoinetteastronautsmonkeyshardcorejournalistswestvirginianscheerleadersoilrepairmensupermenbutteredpopcornbucketsharrypotterhandsanitizerbabydollsninjadarthvadernunsmentalhospitalescapeepancakeselectricsharpenersdraculadictionariestubesocksandtreestumps-"

"STOP!" I screamed suddenly. Something in her very long rambling speech had caught my attention." It's perfect! Thank you Bella!" I then ran off to get the **best **costume EVER!

Forks Ladies Club 7:50pm

Bella Pov

I waited anxiously for the others to arrive. My excitement at actually seeing Edward show some skin and my ice cream sugar high was wearing off. People I knew from around town filed in. This was getting more awkward by the second. Esme was sitting next to me fiddling with the new camera she had just bought. I wondered what was taking them so long and how there first day at work had gone. I knew Emmett wouldn't miss this for his, well not life, he wouldn't miss this for ANYTHING! I looked up as a ridiculous looking clown walked into the rom. I looked away and then did a double take. The clown was _Rosalie! _She was wearing a horrendous outfit, had limp hair and, makeup smeared all over her face.

"Rosalie?" I asked still not believing.

But when she turned her viscous, bitter eyes of hatred at me I knew I had the right person.

"Edward is already going to die very slowly and painfully. You'll be next if you speak!" she hissed.

I was instantly silent.

"Hello, Rose dear!" Esme said snapping a picture of her.

Rosalie let out a scream that silenced the room. Esme just gave her the I'm-your-adopted-mother/vampire-so-you-better-not-mess-with-me look. The chatter resumed.

Suddenly a crash filled the room, silencing it once more. All of Forks female population looked over at us again as a very deranged Jasper busted in from the side window. Leaves and twigs were stuck in his hair and his eyes were wild and crazed. Everyone looked away again as he galloped over to us Tarzan style (Pre Jane). Esme snapped a picture.

"Jasper!?" I asked even more horrified.

He looked up at me with the eyes of a beast. A spark of recognization filled his blank eyes as he grunted what sounded like 'Bella'.

"Hey Jazz" Rosalie said casually. Jasper swung himself up into the seat between us.

Whatever had happened to him had left him extremely mentally scarred.

"Jasper, are you okay?" I asked slowly.

He just tilted his head to the side, confused. I was getting realllllyyy scared at what was going to happen to Edward.

Insane laughter filled the room. When the forks citizens saw it was another Cullen, they just rolled their eyes, their chatter didn't even stop this time.

I stared shocked as Alice laughed manically in the doorway. She was wrapped in a white straight jacket and was carrying a pair of high heels in her mouth.

She walked over as gracefully as anyone can in a straight jacket.

"Hey guys! I wost dem!" Alice said as I pulled the shoes from her mouth.

"Alice, what happened to you?" I asked hesitantly.

"Oh nothing worth getting worked up about! These people just took me to this weird place with white fluffy wall! They said I was going to get these shoes if I came and they never gave them to me!" Alice pouted." But then I broke out, stole the shoes and ran here! I was being followed but I lost them a couple miles back!" she said cheerily.

I just stared and then decided I didn't want tot know.

"Hey, could you put the shoes back in her mouth? I want a good picture." Esme said impatiently.

Suddenly the lights dimmed dramatically as everyone took their seats.

"Where's Emmett!?" Rosalie asked angrily.

Jasper snorted.

Alice jerked around and fell to the floor as she tried to remove the straight jacket.

I just shrugged, too stunned to speak.

"Now ladies and Jasper Hale, I am proud to announce that our special act tonight is by none other than local boy/man Edward Cullen!!" the female announcer said a little too happily. "Paramedics are standing by" she added quickly.

The cheers and whistles were outrageous. I was glad we had front row seats; I was scared of what these women would do.

The first chords of I'm a Slave 4 U filled the room as the curtain flew open.

A familiar scream filled the room.

"I LOVE YOU BRITNEY!!" screamed that Chris Crocker boy from the back row.

Suddenly Edward appeared on stage dressed in a full Count Dracula outfit, complete with plastic fangs and all.

"This zoom is AMAZING!" yelled Esme above the noise.

Edwards Pov

Once I got out there I knew I couldn't go through with it. Their thoughts bombarded me from the very last row. Hmm, but this song was very catchy. I started to shake around a little bit. A bloodcurdling scream filled the room as Ms. Cope, the secretary from school tried to fling herself on stage. Security quickly pulled her away. Geez, I hadn't even taken off the cape yet! As the tempo picked up I took off my cape and swung it around my head. Hey, I could get the hang of this. I flung the cape into the audience where Mrs. Stanley sucker punched Mrs. Newton in attempt to snag it first. Ok, I was back to being creeped out. Well, I was already up here, might as well lose my dignity further. I started to unbutton my shirt as I kept up with the beat. The screams were getting worse. More and more people were attempting to throw themselves at the stage and getting beaten down by cops with night sticks. Finally the shirt was off, a few woman fainted and were carried out of the room on stretchers. I threw it to Bella who caught it stunned. That was not a good idea. Crazed middle aged woman tackled Bella trying to rip the shirt from her hands. Jasper started grunting in fear as Esme stood up to get better pictures.

Just when I thought all hope was lost, the door banged open.

Cops with nightsticks froze, entangled with vicious woman with switchblades and pocketbooks. Paramedics dropped their defibrillators. The crazed woman looked up from attacking Bella. Everyone stared. Because there standing in the doorway was none other than……Chuck Norris!!

"I heard that the "supposedly" hottest boy/man on earth was going to be here tonight." Chuck Norris said in his mighty amazing voice of ultimate greatness.

"That would be me" I said as Britney whined once last time and then the music died.

Suddenly all eyes where on me.

"You don't speak unless Chuck Norris gives you permission" Chuck Norris said in his deadly calm way.

I waited.

"You can speak"

"You don't want to mess with me" I said equally calmly. I didn't like how this guy thought he was God.

Chuck Norris just raised his eyebrow and ten people disintegrated right on the spot.

"I'm the reason Waldo is still hiding" he said.

Gasp! Not WALDO! I've been looking for that freakishly tall stripe shirt clad man for the last 30 years!! _And I always fail…._ For some strange reason, this man knew my greatest weakness!

He just nodded. Everyone looked back in forth between the two greatest people on the face of the planet, deliberating what they should do in this situation that they had only dreamed about.

And with that, Chuck Norris teleported out of the room. There was a moment of silence before screaming woman, security guards, paramedics, and the people who had went into shock (and had magically reawakened when Chuck Norris entered the room) all ran from the room in a desperate attempt to find the mighty one we call Chuck Norris.

The room was utterly empty in ten seconds flat. Except for my family, of course. Rosalie was actually smiling. When Chuck Norris entered the room, Jasper seemed to get his senses back and appeared to be in his right mind. Alice was still in the straight jacket, now biting it with her teeth, totally oblivious to everything that had just happened. Esme and Bella just stared in shock.

"Well that was a complete and utter failure" Esme said angrily "We didn't even get to the good part of ultimate humiliating pain!"

"That actually was probably one of the best moments of my life; I _can't_believe Emmett missed this! We still don't know where he is, do we? I hope he wasn't attacked by those ferocious ballerina sluts!" she sniffed.

Jasper just looked around "Where am I and what just happened?" he asked unsure.

I jumped off the stage "Well let's go home I guess" I said completely and utterly relieved.

I had to drive Jasper and Alice since they_ left_ their cars at work. Rosalie rode with Esme.

Once I was in the front seat with Bella I sighed. "I can't believe what I almost did! To tell you the truth, I was actually getting into it"

"I could see that" Bella said accusingly.

I shuddered at the thought of what could have happened. "I have come to the conclusion that jobs are just _not _safe. They endanger your mental health. I almost went insane out there!"

Bella just rolled her eyes. "Drama Queen, I work and I'm FINE!"

I just pointed to the back seat where Jasper had finally gotten frustrated with Alice's pointless struggling and had ripped the straight jacket off. She now sat staring at the shoes, her mouth slightly opened in a trance. Jasper kept glancing over his shoulder and flinching. He muttered the words; not Casey. A couple of times.

" I rest my case" I said confidently.

"Well maybe it's just _already_ crazy vampires who are the ones that can't handle getting jobs!" she smirked.

I shrugged "Either way, I'm not working another day of my existence. And can I have my shirt back?"

She thought about it.

"I don't think so" she said smiling.

I just sighed to horrified at what I had almost done in that delusional moment.

"Let's just swear to never go back to our jobs again!" I said firmly

"YES!" screeched Jasper in panic.

Alice just nodded, still mesmerized by the shoes.

I was glad this was finally over and done with, now we could go home and put it all behind us like it never happened! Emmett never even saw me strip, so that saved me a century of being made fun of! I did wonder what happened to him though…..

Just as the happy thoughts settled into my mind they instantly vanished. As we pulled up to the house, I pulled the car to a screeching halt. The front of my house was in utter chaos! There was a mob of angry looking PTA parents holding pitchforks and torches chanting; KILL THE CLOWN, KILL THE CLOWN. A padded white truck was parked in the driveway and a man with a megaphone demanded that Alice Cullen exit the car with her hands up. And then there seemed to be a deranged girl riding in circles on Jasper's moped squealing; Edward's mine, DIE BELLA, faeries, faeries!!

I banged my head against the dashboard. How could I have ever thought this was going to be over so easily? I just didn't have that kind of luck.

And that is how my first(and last) day went, as Edward the Stripper.

A/N Hey, I hoped everybody enjoyed that, wasnt quite sure how to end it, but I thought this ending was good enough! Thanks for ALL the reviews, guys! I'm thinking of making a tiny mini sequal called Rosalie's Revenge and Emmett's Recital.

P.S We all Know that there is God and then Chuck Norris and Edward holding hands behind him. They are equally great so I obviously had to add him in!!


End file.
